By Pierce Martin
An October issue of Time magazine sported an amazingly interesting article. It was dedicated to none other than environmentally-friendly sex objects… okay… whatever... This just goes to show you how sad and pathetic the environmentalists REALLY are.
Ok, first of all, my question is: how many people who use sex toys and/or birth control products are going to care about whether or not they are actually "green"?!? How much of a market for these things could there possibly be?
One example of "green" birth control products is NFP, which stands for Natural Family-Planning. Correct me if I'm wrong here but doesn't that sound like pre-emptive abortion?
Well, apparently not to the fanatically pro-life Catholics (some who don’t even allow condoms). The Catholic Church has smiled upon the Natural Family-Planning, calling it moral, organic, and green.
Apparently, the reason we care about natural birth control is because of ingesting potentially harmful chemicals and pooping them out, polluting our streams. Honestly… it already went through your body and it didn’t kill you. I think there are many more things present in your fecal matter that could kill fish than remnants of RU-486.
One user is a New York actress (which by the way, that's two strikes against her right there) stopped taking pills because of her concern about the excess of estrogen in her body. "I do yoga every day and eat vegetarian," she says. "Why wouldn't I go green in this area of my life?" Uhhh, maybe because it’s…uhhh… stupid? Jeez, use a condom, for Pete’s sake!
What? Sorry? You can’t use a condom? Why is that? Because they aren’t biodegradable?
That’s right. Latex condoms take forever to disintegrate into nothingness (not to mention they could reek havoc on the occasional field mouse). So, never flush your condoms down the toilet.
But, obviously, that’s not good enough for enviro-whackos. We must create biodegradable condoms made of sheepskin (You murdered a sheep for that? Isn’t that some sort of enviro-crime in itself?) that will become mush much quicker.
But for you vegans out there who can’t even handle the sheepskin, it’s no problem! We’ve taken out the dairy protein in latex, and replaced it with cocoa powder. Enjoy!
Another thing that the liberals are worried about is the fact that the personal lubricants, which drugstores sold over eighty million dollars worth in 2008, contain chemicals commonly used in oven cleaner and antifreeze.
Okay then…unless you and you’re “significant other” retreat to the bedroom with a bottle of oven cleaner when you go to do it, I’m figuring you’re probably pretty safe.
The greenos also whine about some plastic products containing phthalates, which has apparently caused premature puberty in girls and low sperm count in boys. Tell me this: why are underage children using this product in the first place? HMMM???
Alternatives to these plastic products are made from mahogany (WTF?), stainless steel (ouch!) and… glass. That products should say on the label: "Falling down is vehemently discouraged while using product."
In the end, it shows you that the enviro-whackos are everywhere… even between your sheets.
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